A Good Start to the Second Half

Now that I am twenty two weeks I am a good halfway into my pregnancy, and since it is about halfway through the summer I am also a good halfway into the year. Looking back at my start of the year goals I have obviously needed to make some changes as they weren't all still realistic. As I adjust my goals and refined what is most important, I have decided to focus on the following:

1) Still reaching to strengthen my walk with God through reading my Bible and living my life in a ways that shows I follow Christ.
2) Strengthening my marriage especially as we start this new uncharted territory of parenthood. I want continually remind myself of the promises I made to be 100% devoted to my husband as to let him lead my family and respect him unconditionally.
3) Be healthy for my baby and I.
4) Be as stress free as possible as I go through this pregnancy, house shopping, working, coaching and serving at church.

I am making good headway in each of these areas even though it is definitely not always easy. The more I put God first, the more the rest of the pieces fall into place with peace ans ease. I know I struggle with thinking that "God is always in control and knows best, except this time_____..." Whether it is what house to live in, where to send my newborn for childcare, arguing with my husband it is too easy for me to think "Is God taking a nap? Why isn't He intervening in the way I so obviously would for the good of myself?!" When in reality God never promises to make all our earthly dreams come to true or to make us crazy happy. I know that my ultimate goal is not to obtain earthly happiness and satisfaction but rather to serve God, continually seek Him and to help others on the same journey. My true home and fulfillment will come after this life, its worthless to constantly seek that here.

My husband and I just celebrated our first year of marriage and it was fabulous! Although it wasn't a year of complete wedded bliss, we learned so much about each other and merging our lives together and have created a solid foundation for our marriage. I wouldn't change a thing about our first year!

In an attempt to be healthier and to save some dough ;) I decided to try to prebake or par-bake some whole wheat pizza crusts so we would have them on hand to make pizzas throughout the month rather than ordering the out. It worked quite well!

I decided to also save some moola as well as feed my creative appetite to sew a quilt for my baby's bed. I am hoping to sew the bedskirt and crib bumper as well. I am only this far so I will share more when it is complete!




Some things I have been cooking and eating at home. Although they might not all be super healthy, I figure making them from scratch is at least better that getting them out! :)

 Pizza on the home made whole wheat crust

 Baked Parmesan chicken with garlic mashed potatoes (Julia Child recipe) and salad

 Lasagna and sauted zucchini from garden and salad

 Apple, carrot plum juice

Philly Cheese steak with waffle fries and salad with a blueberry banana smoothie


The further I get into pregnancy the most often I am told what I "just have to do", "absolutely shouldn't do"etc. from other moms and strangers. Also everyone has lots of advice and comments about how my body is changing and how I should be taking care of it. Also pair that with my insecurities about my changing body and stubbornness about being told what to do and it is a recipe for pregnancy rage and hormonal disaster. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who is my safe haven to run to when all of it is overwhelming and I feel exhausted. He constantly reminds me of what is important and how much he loves the way I look and that what my body is going through is normal and important. I also stumbled upon this blog post the other day and found it very encouraging: http://lovingmylot.com/2013/08/23/mom-vs-mom-the-war-i-didnt-see-coming/ . 

I am starting my first day back to school officially this morning, hopefully this fun new body will be able to keep up! :)

Good Sleep?

So among all of the exciting things that pregnancy does to your body, pregnancy dreaming is one of the most interesting. I have always had pretty vivid dreams but nothing compares to my pregnancy dreams! Here are a few of the best ones:

I was struggling to find a bathroom and then Mark and I stumbled across a public restroom so he waited outside and I went in to find an entire auditorium of toilet seats, I was so excited! Until upon further inspection I found that each of the toilets was full of disgusting poo mash and I couldn't possibly go. So I tried what any girl having to emergency pee would do, hoover over the nastiness... except once I tried, this mentally challenged witch grandma women started barreling and stumbling toward me while hysterically laughing and grabbed my head and tried and force it into the nasty poo potty. I couldn't decide whether to cover my head or my belly to protect my wee one. It was so gross and she was so horrible but I couldn't hit her or or anything because she had special needs. So I screamed for Mark to come in and help me. I yelled and yelled until Mark actually woke me up in real life!

This is a recurring dream in a variety of flavors but the first one was the worship director of my church telling me on Sunday morning that I we were singing the No Doubt Tragic Kingdom album and that I was going to be the lead singer and we didn't have any sheet music so I just had to sing the whole thing through. It was soooooooooooooo hard! This dream also happened where I had to play guitar in a Led Zeppelin cover band, I had to play guitar AND drums at someones wedding simultaneously and also singing lessons with my high school choir director. I am not sure what all these performance dreams are about but they stress me out and I always wake up sweaty and more tired then when I fell asleep.

Sometimes when I go to bed angry or grumpy I have dreams that seem to take that feeling and run. I had a series of dreams of people pissing me off a few nights ago. COmplete with my parents friends "grounding me" where they took my cell phone and locked me out of my own home with no food or anything to drink. Also an old guy tried to feel me up on a Ferris wheel and I was so outraged and disgusted I just had to punch him in the face. Also some one ate the lunch that I packed, all in the same day. I go through dreams like this on a rampage where no one can say or do the right thing and I am just a raging swearing lunatic who feels like the entire world is so unjust!

Dreaming about baby girls has been the most frequent type of dream. In one night I dreamt that we had two little girls that were twins one looked like mark though about 2 years old with marks face and curly brown pig tails. The other one looked like a two year old version of me all blonde but not a lot of hair. We took them out west on a trip and kept losing them. Then another time we had a little girl that looked like Mark but it had cray wild blonde hair and was very ugly looking 8 year old, we still had to love her anyways.The the weirdest one was that my little babe had stuck its arms through my belly. They were long fragile arms about three inches long each. I was so nervous about breaking them so I had to pull my baby out through my stomach but it was small and it I knew it was too early so I had to put it back inside me. I tried to swallow it thinking that was the logical way to get my baby back in my stomach but it was too big to swallow. So I did the only other thing I knew, shoved it into my vagina and aimed for my uterus hoping it would just find its way back into the amniotic sac and maybe it would just all heal up and go back to normal. I am interested to find out the sex of the baby to see if that is why I have been having so many little girl dreams.

I will continue to share the most interesting ones that come along. Happy pregnancy!

The Best Of All The Good Stuff SO Far

Well now that the cat is officially out of the bag it is safe for me to begin blogging once again! Mark and I have a baby on the way who will be here December 15(ish)!

I couldn't be more excited! I am also so glad to be entering my 14th week. The first trimester is so much worse than anyone ever told me it could be. Perhaps it is an unspoken rule that women never tell how bad things can be so that other women continue to have children. Or maybe even if we knew exactly how bad you could possibly feel you wouldn't care anyways because the thought of a sweet squishy little baby in a soft onsie with wrinkly little fingers and toes is intoxicating enough to make you blindly jump in head first into the unknown of pregnancy! I have been keeping track of my symptoms week by week just for fun and to compare with future pregnancies. I've always had weird ideas of fun :). Here are some of the highlights:
week 1 &2 anticipation (also known as the two week wait where you will not if if you are pregnant yet from when you ovulated
week 3 excitement - positive test!
week 4 popping and fizzing and cramps, it felt like someone poured pop rocks in my uterus. ALso at this point I was all like "whats so hard about being pregnant, I am totally going to be super fit and healthy and love every second of having this baby in me, its totally not even that uncomfortable".
week 5 super excited and bloating like crazy, have to wear stretchy skirts all week. Also crazy exhaustion need to sleep all day when I get home from work tired.
week 6 BAM extreme nausea and running to the bathroom thinking I am going to puke every second... only I never do. Also now I have to get up in the middle of every night to pee. Get used to getting up in the middle of the night I guess... (this still happens now btw)
week 7, 8, 9,& 10 a complete blur of exhaustion, nausea, food aversions and cravings. Also an insane heightened sensitivity to smells. I couldn't even look in my fridge without crying because of the overwhelming combinations of smells. I would go some days eating three cheeseburgers form various places and others eating only goldfish crackers, milk and yogurt. This was a dark time of no fun or excitement. I felt like a zombie at my job and even the smell of my sweet kiddos was enough to make me run for the trash can... but again to do nothing but gag a bit. Oh and did I mention how awesomely emotional I was/am as well. Its like all my feelings are being felt through a magnifying glass. When I am happy I am theabsolutemosthappyIeverhavebeeninmywholelife and when I am feeling sad or down it is the most saddest despair ever. etc. 
 week 11 having many good feeling days through out the week with only an occasional couple of days of pregnant zombie feeling
week 12 feeling much much better now just a few hours here and there of feeling zombie like
week 13 feeling super energetic in the morning and during the day but consistently feeling tired and queasy for about 1-2 hours each night.

I guess looking back now it doesn't seem all that extreme but at the time of the roughest weeks I felt like I was probably just dying and not pregnant at all.  It is so hard to go from being some one who is always energetic, going non stop, super active and helping others to being so extremely fatigued, always having to take breaks, everything feeling like slow motion and constantly having to ask for help. It feels so alien but I am blessed with so many great people in my life to help me through the hard parts! My husband for example has been a total angel in helping me through my zombie and food hating phase. He cooked, cleaned, shopped massaged and basically did everything for me and us. I also have amazing friends that helped clean up my classroom at the end of the year, fed my cravings and just listened to me cry. Anyways, I am so excited to be at the second trimester where according to everything I have read gets much easier. It is so much fun to be excited again and to not have the pressure of keeping the pregnancy a secret! I am looking forward to growing this family and growing in our faith as well. This experience has solidified so much in my faith that I will hopefully be able to explain in further detail as I go along further in this journey

.

Yep this is my sweet baby's feet. <3

So Much Good Stuff

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last posted anything... and it hasn't been for a lack of things to share because there has been so much good going on in my life. Over the last few weeks I have been growing in so many ways. The cheerleading season ended on a fantastic note and I bonded with so many girls that I know will remain in touch with me for years to come. The season took way ore time, energy and financial resources than I originally anticipated, but it was completely worth it! 

Health :)

I have really committed time to focusing on this the last few weeks. I have the "Fitness Pal" app on my phone that I originally thought of as my "Fitness Enemy". The first time I tried to use it was over a month ago, I just wanted to see how many calories I actually consumed without thinking about it on a typical day. I assumed it would be something like 1,800-2,000. NOPE it was over 3,300! I had no clue what I was putting into my body. No wonder people kept think I was preggo and my pants stopped fitting and my shirts continually rode up over my belly. In my mind I still looked like a beautiful summer bride tone and tan and fit. False, I had changed. I know the numbers on the scale changed. Close to 15 pounds. I have since set my "Fitness Acquaintance" up to help me lose about 1/2 pound a week which has been manageable but really took time to get used to. With this setting for my height and weight I eat about 1,500 calories per day. If I do some type of exercise that is strenuous or long term cardio, then my calories automatically adjust and I earn some back. Some days I use them some days I don't. Here are some of the healthy things we have been eating:

 Sweet potato, chicken, broccoli, avocado and blackberries. Trying hard to make 1/2 my plate veggies!

 Broccolli (with a bit of cheese) cauliflower tots, sweet potato, avocado, sweet peppers

 Lunch at Earth Fare, fruit, lentil salad, cous cous, veggie turkey casserole and broccolli

Back at Earth Fare again with my nephew who I tricked into eating healthy as well. It was delicious and fun and a much better alternative to fast food! He ended up loving salmon, zucchini, cantaloupe and lentils.

I also had my husband take some before pictures of me... yikes yikes yikes. And before anyone is all you "you ain't fat, quit being anorexic and whiny" you haven't seen my before pictures and I am not planning on sharing them unless I have a really good "after" pic to share. :) I know I am not obese but I have gained a lot of weight and my blood work that I had done last fall is not great. Also I am not looking to shed crazy amounts of weight but I do want to tone everything up and be healthy. I have a responsibility to take care of the body the good Lord gave me and I am going to do it. I am finding that I truly store all of my excess weight in my middle. If you were to look at my arms and legs if I were sitting at a table you'd probably think there is a nice looking gal with good proportions... until I stand up then you'd be like whoa that girl is pregnant and she has wings or something sprouting out her lower shoulder blades. Nope just my belly pooch and my back boobs from my bra squishing things around all crazy. So there that is what I hope to accomplish long term. I considered just giving in and buying some new clothes up a size or two, but then I would be spending money that I don't have to buy more clothes that I don't need. The responsible thing to do is just get healthy and fit into all the clothes I already have. I have already lost a solid 3.5 pounds and feeling stronger so I am on my way!

My wonderful husband has been so helpful in encouraging me to stay on track even when I just want give up and eat all my calories before noon and sleep all day, he motivates me to keep going. He surprised me with this healthy Easter Basket yesterday, it was so thoughtful!

 

It was full of protein bars, dried fruit, dark chocolate, seeds for starting my garden, honey sticks for tea and fruit leather. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful companion!

I have been doing many different things for exercise as I tend to be quite ADHD when it comes to a strict routine, I get antsy and claustrophobic and I give up. I have been doing a mix of running, workout DVDs such as 30 Day Shred and Tracy Anderson's 30 Day Method as well as cycling. (The library is a wonderful resource by the way of being able to try out a variety of DVDs). Mark and I participated in our first group race/ride this week called the March Chili Metric here in Cleveland.

 This was great because you ride out 16 miles to a Chili lunch and then ride back 16 miles. It was lots of fun and an amazing work out. If only I could ride a bike with my abs and make them feel as exhausted as my legs have felt the last three days... It was a beautiful chilly morning and I had a great time bonding with my wonderful hubs! As it gets nicer out I am wanting to be more active, lets hope that sticks!

Financially :)

Wow, if there is one way I have seen God work in my life more than any other it would be financially. It is incredible how God has provided for us through some tough times during this tax season! With an unexpected work bonus for Mark and through random gift cards being given to us, what could have been a massive detriment to our humble savings account turned out not to be a very big blow at all. Mark is so good about keeping me focused on prayer rather than stressing. "Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life, it offers us a less busy heart" - Paul Miller. I have found this to be so true. I am working on going to God first with my stress, trouble and anxiety before dumping it all on my friends and family and trusting that He already knows my heart and has a plan so I can give myself permission to let go of it throughout my day.

Spiritually :)

I feel like I am really turning a corner in this area. I have really had a change of heart about serving at church and work really hard to see it as a blessing that I am able to serve rather than a crunch on my time and energy. I am seeing more and more how the ministries I am involved with really grow people in Christ and impact lives. I am also a part of a secret sister program at my church that is completely new to me. Every one filled out a paper with information about themselves, their family, hobbies, interest, prayer concerns etc. Then the forms were given to another woman at church. Throughout the year we will send notes of encouragement to each other and pray specifically for her. It has been so much more amazing of an experience that I ever imagined it would be! It is also anonymous, we will find out who our secret sis is in January 2014. I have no clue who my secret sister is, but she knows me and must be very observant because she has encouraged me in my marriage and walk with God and in my work with the Church and I have no idea who she is! She even randomly send me a coffee gift card and told me to buy coffee all week on her. These are all such small things but have made such a huge impact. It is so encouraging to know people are praying for you and supporting you. It has inspired me to get to know the lady that I am encouraging as well. She is easily 40 some years older than me and at first I was overwhelmed thinking "how could I encourage or inspire her, she must already know and have experienced everything", but now I know that letting her know I am praying or her and her family and how much I look up to her and admire her effort in our Church can be a huge encouragement.

I also found this journal at a book store on my first day of Spring Break:
It is a book designed to help you make studying your Bible and journaling with it a habit. The theory is that doing something for 21 days helps you create a habit. I am bad at organizing my free time in a meaningful way and this had been a huge help for me to be purposeful in my time of study.

It came complete with a cheesy wristband to help you remember that you are working on creating a habit. I enjoy cheesy. 

Lastly, my other area of spiritual growth has come greatly from interacting with my small group from Church. Mark and I host a group at our apartment of about 10 people. It is a mix of singles, couples, those in their 20s, 30s, and 60s and from all walks of life and varying religious backgrounds. Some people grew up in the church some were athiests. It is a great mix of perspectives. We come together everyother week and study the Bible, discuss, question, love and pray for one another. I have become very close to a group of people who were strangers to me just several months ago. It has been humbling to open our small apartment to such a large group, I was so nervous/embarrased at first but it has become such a blessing! We all sit so close together and we take turns serving food and sometimes presenting material even though most of it is led by Mark. It is a very intimate time. This past week one of our members led us in a foot washing ceremony. She read scripture, gave us some of the historical background surrounding the idea of foot washing and led each of us in washing the feet of the person sitting next to us. I won't say that it was easy for everyone but it absolutely brought us closer. Some people had a hard time touching others' feet while others had difficulty letting others serve them and touch their feet. It opened up so much great discussion. I am so grateful for all of the ways I am being pushed to see new perspectives and to try new things. I am also grateful for the many opportunities I have to love and serve people as well as how people have stepped up to love and serve me even though we are all less than deserving.

Its March!!!

It is so close to being Spring and I cannot wait! The days are already getting noticeably longer and it is very energizing! I am finding that although it is giving me more energy to make the most of every day it is also making it a bit harder to be content. I am so excited for things to come that I forget to truly enjoy every second that I am living now. We just paid off my car this week and I was thrilled and it got me to thinking about how that is one step closer to buying a house as we can save for a down payment which is one step closer to starting a family and I am looking forward to this summer and gardening with friends and on and on. Being excited isn't the problem, but getting too attached to those future things is what can be dangerous. We finished our taxes this week as well and found that we are owing A LOT of money. I was crushed! I was hoping to get a refund as we need to replace our car batteries and Mark's windshield. I had not expected to have to fix all of those things out of pocket and pay the government a ton of money. All of a sudden my mind started swirling with thoughts of how we will not have a house and we wont be able to have kids forever and by then I probably won't be able to have kids and we will be in an apartment for the rest of our lives and carrying laundry down 2 flights to wash, etc. Of course that is all crazy and I see that now but it is really how I felt. I also felt ashamed letting myself get so deflated so quickly. Being someone who is constantly encouraging people to put their faith in God and to rely on his perfect plan and wisdom to work things out, it is completely opposite of what I was doing. I have been guilty more than once of claiming to fully trust Christ while at the same time trying to tug on his sleeve saying "but what about this and that thing or dream". I need to work more on completely trusting. I have never been left stranded before and I don't know why I let myself get so tied to these dreams as if they are going to complete my life. If I get to own a house some day that would be cool, but I am going to be fine if I don't. If I can have children some day that would be awesome, but if not, I will be fine too.  God's plan has continually worked out for his glory and my good every time, I have no reason to doubt that now. :)

Some good stuff to eat!

This is just a standard chicken soup with barley, however I cut all of my carrots into little hearts, because I love Mark so much and I wanted to surprise him lol.

These are mini power bars most close to LARABARS. I found the recipe here. They only take three ingredients to make! http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-easy-3-ingredient-energy-bars-at-home-cooking-lessons-from-the-kitchn-184306
They are sooooooo good. I individually wrapped them and put them in the fridge so they will last awhile and be easy to grab on the go.

a

YUM wings! These I made using a variety of suggested recipes and some of my own inventing. Mark has been on the hunt for the perfect hot wings. I went to West Side Market with a couple of gal pals and while I was there I came across some beautiful wings so I got a bunch to experiment with. I made three different kinds: traditional hot wings, bar b que and asian sweet and spicy with sesame seeds. These were baked instead of fried so healthier and quite tasty!

Mushroom Barley Soup. We eat vegetarian about 1/2 of the week so this recipe was great and cheap! http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all-recipes/mushroom-barley-soup-00100000093673/index.html I added celery and a different spice mixture to mine because it was what I had. It was very good.

Also, I want to recommend Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I have been so short on time lately and have found that when I don't always have time for a full blown workout and shower that I can't easily find an excuse to not work out for 20 minutes, this has been great to carry me through this busy time with coaching. Especially with my hubs doing it with me. Then it is bonding time, work out time and it keeps us motivated! :)

Coconut Oil, Sewing, Beyonce Runs

Two more weeks of cheerleading and then I can finally refocus some of my time to my long term goals I need to spend time on! Here are some of the things I have been doing in my "free time". 

Coconut Oil Hair Mask
I love doing hair, face, hand masks etc. but they tend to be expensive when you want to buy the really nice stuff. So I decided to give a Pinterest one a try as it was super simple and I had all the necessary ingredients: coconut oil! I combed the oil through my dry hair until it was completely saturated with it. My hair looked wet but it didn't feel heavy like wet hair. I let it sit for about 30 minutes and then took a shower and used shampoo only on my hair. I used a blow dryer to see what it looked like just in case it didn't rinse out nicely I wanted to be able to rewash it before work tomorrow :) As I was putting it in my hair it dripped a little onto my back and shoulders so I just rubbed it in, then it felt so nice i rubbed it into my elbows and knees and feet! It was so nice! Then in the shower I rubbed it all over my legs from my hair and used it to shave, it was wonderful! I am planning to keep a jar of coconut oil in my shower from now on. I didn't need to put on any lotion after my shower and I normally have the world's crunchiest nastiest flaky dry skin ever. It was so nice. Here is a pic of my "after" hair not that it does the experience any justice. :)

Next, I finally finished my stitching project I started months ago... sorta. I wanted to sew the route Mark and I drove on our honeymoon into a map of the USA. I am planning to add in all the road trips we ever take together. I covered the route with scotch tape on the back side of the map so that the stitches would hold. I finished all of the stitching but now i need to steam or iron it some that it will lay flat. I am also not sure if I will frame it somehow to keep it cat proof. :)

Lastly I went on an outdoor run today, the first of the year technically. It was chilly about 36 degrees, but it was so sunny that I didn't really notice. I bundled up a bit and turned on my Beyonce and just went on an adventure! Poor Mark was sick in bed and I am not good at being quiet...ever... so I went outside to get my wiggles out. It was really fun, I ended up going about 5 miles just all over town and checked out some neighborhoods around where I live to see what kinds of homes were for sale (hopefully we will be buying this summer/fall). It was definitely more challenging than the treadmill but also a lot more exciting. I'm looking forward to being able to this in the summer when it is much warmer outside!

Mom jeans, God and teenagers

So I must begin by sharing another blog I found about how "cool" stores are actually tricking many of us into mom jeans. In other words "Gap and Old Navy sell Gateway Mom Jeans". I know that I have been wearing high(ish) waisted, not that cool pants my whole life but I never really thought there was any other way, I just thought I was a "tomato on toothpicks" kind of build so all pants were going to be short on my legs and strangualting my tummy. :) I guess I should have just considered other brands. Here is the link to a great blog: 

http://www.graspingforobjectivity.com/2012/07/gap.html

This week I started listening to a book on disc (yep I do this a lot and its not cheating it is still as legit as reading but who has time in their week to sit with books for extended periods of time, not this girl). This book is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This book was recommend by many people but my inner stubborn quasi feminist had a very hard time dealing with the word "respect" for awhile. But now that I am in my first year of marriage and finding each day how much work and decoding goes in to keeping a relationship healthy and happy I am always looking for research and resources on this topic. The book has been so interesting and it literally has me in tears as well as laughing out loud within each 15 minute span I get to listen to it on my commute to and from work. I wish I had heard this or read it in high school. I feel like I could have better communicated with a lot of people and probably have been a better daughter/friend/companion. Essentially Eggerichs explains that a woman's most deep desire is to be loved and a man's most deep desire is to be respected and that when that most inner need is being met they are the happiest. When I first heard that I blew up and thought "I NEED and deserve and work hard for respect too", and "How arrogant to think a man needs respect more than love from me". Obviously that is the sort of thing that happens when you only read the title of a book and not the rest of it. There was a survey that he put out while compiling his research and one of the questions was: "If you must choose one of the following which would you prefer to endure? 

a) to be left alone and unloved in the world 

or

b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone

Immidiately I thought who would pick the second one, that doesn't even sound so bad, I'm not even exactly sure what it means. But to be alone and unloved, ugh I know I could not survive very long in this world at all feeling that way. I'd feel like crawling under a bridge and dying. Amazingly to me 74% of men chose the second option! what?! And I posed this question to Mark as well and he quickly responded he would rather have (b) as well. I never imagined that men could feel the same way about respect as I feel about love, like I couldn't survive without it. Of course all men and women need both, but we each hold one of those higher than the other and when it is threatened we react very harshly to it. Typically as the woman if you feel that you are being treated in an unloving way you will react with disrespect, sometimes without even realizing it, and as a man who feels disrespected, he will react in unloving ways sometimes without even realizing it. It has really been convicting to think about not only what I say but how I say it. I am sure that since I have been about 13 I developed eyes that can roll like you wouldn't believe and a sharp tone of voice that can be crushing and devastating as well as a secret decibel of speaking that allows me to express what I m feeling so that someone else only hears bits and pieces so they cannot tell what I am saying exactly. I never knew I had all of these hidden "talents" until having them pointed out to me once I was married. Of course as a teenager my parents would tell me how rude and disrespectful I was being but at the time that just seemed like parent talk and that they would say that about anything. The more I considered this and then read this book I began to see just how unappealing being married to a teenager seemed. I am sure my husband does not like getting eyes rolled at him or listening to me sigh or spout off exactly what I am feeling in the heat of the moment. Nobody else in the world treats him that way. Even if my feelings are justified there has to be a better way to communicate them without out the disrespectful tone and body language. I used to think that those tendancies are just part of what makes me "me" but I would not tolerate that kind of excuse from him to not show love to me so I can clearly see that it takes discipline and effort to develop more positive tendencies.  There is too much in the book for me to clearly articulate in a blog post but I recommend reading it for any one single or married! It has really opened my mind to new ways to communicate. 

Speaking of teenagers or kids in general...  I am finding working with my 13 and 14 year old cheerleaders is an important, challenging and rewarding task. When I think about these girls having their deepest needs of love met in order to be healthy and happy I think about how many of them have good relationships with their fathers and how many of them are being uplifted and encouraged at home. I hope that I can help to build these girls up to value themselves and help them to build a strong moral foundation in which they use to begin high school next year. It is no wonder that girls so easily find men boys in all the wrong places who on the surface appear to show girls love and adoration which is instinctually what they crave, just to find that they are disposable to many of these guys. It would be very easy to fill their lives with one night stands or crappy guys because it is a quick fix to feel some type of love.  Similarly, I think of the young boys I teach in my classes and about how even at a young age they are developing a need for being respected and wanting to lead. If they are constantly being belittled, criticized and having their manhood challenged and never truly given the opportunity to lead or be applauded for their efforts its no wonder they turn to crime/ domestic abuse/ affairs later in life because these are quick fixes to rebuild their ego (not that I am justifying any of those behaviors). I am becoming quite a mother hen, sorry to bore all of you with how much I want to adopt all of my students and cheerleaders and build them up to prepare them for healthy relationships. Just my rant...

Happy weekend to all! :) 

This Week

Remember that one time I was starting a blog and it was going to help me be accountable and to keep up with all of the stuff I want to change for the better in my life? :) Yeah yeah I never committed to frequency though. I need to streamline some things in life to make more time for reflection. I pretty much go non stop through my days or else it is the weekend and I sit around in pajamas and work REALLY hard at doing nothing. I am going to try harder to wake up earlier each day to get my reading, listening and blogging in. I survived the start to cheerleading season in January and now I am in more of a routine and feel like I will make it through February without a problem! I have had more luck with staying active although I will admit I am putting off long distance running until I can commit more time during the week to my shorter runs. But the strength training and random Pintrest workouts have been keeping me feeling strong and interested in going to the gym.

Here is something else that has helped me get things together. Fridge organizer!

Planning out dinners which the leftovers of are also lunches the Sunday before the week helps me to feel like things are ready to go so when I get home from work I don't have to stare at the cupboards and groan. Here are some things I've made recently:

 Assorted veggies: Zucchini, Carrot shavings and tomatoes sauteed in coconut oil and seasonings

 My first Frittata! Zucchini, sweet potato, bacon and onion

 Happy birthday wonderful husband! These aren't super healthy but they are delicious peanut butter banana bacon cupcakes. i made them in cupcake form and had Mark take the to work as "birthday treats" so that we didn't spend the whole week slowly consuming an entire cake. :)

This has to be one of my favorite things I have ever made. It is a Thai chicken coconut curry soup!

Also, I have been developing a better understanding and appreciation of the gospels in the Bible. Previously, my favorite books of the Bible were ones such as Revelation, Ecclesiastes, Proverbs, Psalms, Acts, Song of Solomon and and occasional sprinkling of 1&2 Corinthians. Mostly because they were extreme, profound, struck a chord in me or were just feel good books. However, my church is currently going through a year long study of the life of Jesus which focuses heavily on the chronological life of Christ in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Also in our small group Mark has been leading a study of the New Testament. So there has been much overlap over the last several weeks. It is so funny how you think you know what things were like in Bible times.... and by that I mean so much of what I thought about the culture, events, government of that time, etc. were pretty far off. Having a strong historical background of the Bible and its history and development through time has really challenged and strengthened my faith. And it is exciting! And hard work. 

Fun things about marriage: 

Mark walked in the door today from work and gave me a squeeze but then did the lookin' around thing avoiding eye contact with me and not being the first one to speak which drives me irrationally crazy and I immediately jumped at him to correct his behavior while I spouted off "I don't understand why I keep trying to teach you things but they never seem to take!?" And he responded "I feel the same way", and I asked what the heck he meant because obviously I do everything "the right way" and he pointed out the fact that I treat many household chores like a Jenga game that inevitably leave Mark cleaning up a huge nightmare. Exhibit A: The trash. I don't know why but I Just always feel like one more thing can fit. Exhibit B: The dishes. I hate putting dishes away so I will continually stack the clean ones into tall impressive towers. Exhibit C: Transition piles of clothes. These are the clothes that I have only wore once so they don't seem that dirty, but they are not clean enough to go back in the closet so I build really tall unsteady clothing monuments on my dresser. Exhibit D: Mail, I LOVE mail piles and I hate to throw things away. So I guess I still have things to learn as well. Marriage is such a fun and crazy adventure  and I couldn't imagine braving it with anyone other than my hunky husband. <3

This week

I was really hoping for a snow/ice day today so that I could write for a long time, but alas I must go to work. As I mentioned before things are so busy in life right now, but also wonderful. I love my job, family, friends, serving at church, being a wife, running, cooking, reading, sleeping etc. but I just cannot find time in each day for all of those things. :) I am looking forward to the time I can do each of these things, even exercising. I am ok with knowing I need to slow down and back off on some of my big picture goals depending on the season of the year. I have so much joy and peace within my life right now that I am not going to get mad about not being able to drop everything and run 4 times a week, rather I will really enjoy the runs and workouts I get in over the next few weeks until things slow down the first week in March and until then be much more mindful about what I am eating. 

I am so excited that I have been challenged lately with a hunger for books and online sermons. I have started keeping a small journal about all of the things I am reading and watching and listening to. It really refreshes me and encourages me throughout the day. Here are some of the things I have been diving into:

Crazy Love by Frances Chan

Heaven by Randy Alcorn

Mere Christianity by  C.S.Lewis

"Real Marriage" http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage (single, dating, married this is awesome stuff no matter what status you currently are).

"Religion Save and 9 Other Misconceptions" http://marshill.com/media/religionsaves

Hopefully I will have more time later this week to share!


"The best of life on Earth is a glimpse of Heaven; the worst is a glimpse of Hell. For Christians, this present life is the closest they will come to Hell. For the unbelievers, it is the closest they will come to Heaven". - Alcorn

This has been haunting my mind all week ever since I read it. I have always thought of this through the eyes of the Christian but to think that this wretched broken Earth is the closest some may ever know of all the beauty and wonder and love that is God really saddens me.

The Busy Days

Oh my it is so very hard to keep up with everything I want to accomplish as well as blog about them now that I am not on Christmas vacation! Especially now that my cheerleading coaching has begun which takes up about three evenings each week and serving at church for AVL and hosting a small group which takes up several hours each week as well. This leaves little time to spend with family, friends, catch up phone calls, exercise, take care of the apartment, cook, sleep well enough to be productive and patient with the children at school and have face to face time with my husband. Some weeks it is so overwhelming to think about all the responsibilities I have.  Sometimes I catch myself getting anxious and worrying about the future and beating myself up thinking "if I cannot handle all of this with a perfect smile, then I will never be able to have kids or take care of a house"! But I know that this way of thinking is not helpful, is a lie, and will only put unnecessary doubt into my mind. I know that taking on extra work right now is actually a privilege and that it is helping me reach some of those long term goals that are so important to me. I am so grateful that God has purposefully placed me in this city, in the school district, in this church community, in my apartment, in my marriage and in my friendships. So many things that have happened to me to create the life that I have right now seem to have come together so perfectly, so perfectly that no one could ever convince me it is "random chance" or "karma" or that I am "deserving". I have not lived a spotless life and I know that I continually struggle with all kinds of sin that tries to creep into my life. The biggest changes have happened over the last three years when I have been working to completely surrender my life to following Christ. Totally letting go, trusting in His plan and trying to the best of my ability to follow through with the work needed to achieve the goals set before me. Sometimes it has been crazy. I signed up for my masters program because of a "feeling" I had, I really felt like I was being told to do it, I signed up two days before the program started without knowing very much about it at all. I moved out on my own without having a solid plan of how I was going to pay all my own bills each month, I lost my job, got a new better job that required me to move away from my family and friends, experienced heart ache like I never imagined possible, fell in love with and married the most amazing man, became involved with a church that has captured my heart and have developed a deep genuine love for Christ. God provided every time. He has constantly made a way for me where I couldn't see any way through. I have so much joy and hope in my life right now. I know that God has called people to experience and do crazier things than what I have experienced but I am continually thinking of God's plan for my life. I feel so confident in living a life that is continually pursuing Him. The greatest of all these changes is definitely marrying Mark. It is a relationship unlike anything I ever knew could exist. He is loving and generous and all of those good things you want in a spouse but he is also good at dong the difficult things. He absolutely sharpens me, humbles me and helps me to stay focused on God. He helps me keep my attitude and temper in check and encourages me when I lose sight of everything I am working for. He gives the best hugs and also knows how to gently kick me out the front door to go to the gym :). He challenges me all the time to be the best possible version of myself and I am so grateful for that. (Of course that is easy to say right now but not always in the midst of him "helping" me).

I am thankful for the obstacles in my life that are ultimately blessings and I pray that I will have more perspective when tough things happen in the future. I am also praying for a joyful heart and a servant's attitude when I am walking through each day and I start to get fatigued, selfish and feel weak. Any prayers for me to persevere through the busy days would be so appreciated.

:)

Ups and Downs Stuff

So here are some of the happenings in my life this week:

On the fitness front: I was able to get a short run in this week (5k) but was not able to get in a second run or cross training, although technically I taught cheerleaders dances and cheers and we conditioned at the start of practice so I think that might count as cross training :). My long run was 9 miles this week and it started of great! I ran pretty quickly to 4 miles and thought, man training for a whole marathon would be a total breeze. Then came miles 5,6, and 7 and then I remembered how hard running is. An elderly lady came and sat on an exercise bike next to my treadmill and I felt her judging me so badly because I had two water bottles, my Netflix playing and I was scarfing down what probably looked to be a chocolate brownie but was actually a fiber one energy square. I felt the urge to need to explain myself that I had been running over an hour and I needed the energy, water and my shows as a distraction from the monotony of my workout. Then I remembered I had invented the whole situation in my head and she had never even spoken a word to me. And that I get incredibly defensive about ridiculous things. That is so dumb, I am working on that.

On the eating better front: I started making smoothies for breakfast everyday this week. We did an experiment to eat vegetarian during the week and meat on weekends as it is cheaper and then we can afford lots of good fresh veggies and fruit for smoothie making. I also have been cutting back on dairy and trying flax, hemp and coconut milk instead as I have been avoiding a long time food issue with milk products and my tummy. The coconut milk is soooooooo tasty! My favorite combination so far is mango, pineapple and banana. Mixed with Super Green from Trader Joe's which is a supplement you can stir in that has all sorts of yummy algae and green superfood inside. It tastes like berries though. We also tried some this week with oats stirred in and chia seeds. It has been fun. I would like to recommend that you not get too excited and try to mix everything together that you buy on the same day because you will end up with a grey cement like concoction that you will not be able to choke down no matter how hard you try. Here are some yummy things we have made over the last week or so. Don't feel like you have to always use the entire recommended "ingredients" list, ain't nobody got time for that". I am very much one to substitute, neglect and ignore ingredients and everything turned out just fine.

 Thai Sweet Chili Glaze Salmon

http://www.onceuponachef.com/2011/10/broiled-salmon-with-thai-sweet-chili-glaze.html

 Sweet Potato Quinoa Cakes with Blackberry Salsa

http://www.howsweeteats.com/2012/05/sweet-potato-quinoa-cakes-with-blackberry-salsa/

Black Bean Chick Pea Avocado Salad

http://www.cookingchanneltv.com/recipes/black-bean-chickpea-salad-recipe/index.html

(I experimented with dried beans, I hydrated them overnight and they turned out great, it is WAY cheaper to do beans this way. And by way cheaper I mean a few dollars, dollars are a lot to me).

On the spiritual front: Sort of a major fail. It is so much easier to read about the way you want to live and behave than it is to put it into practice. I had a horrible embarrassingly stupid argument with my husband which I was ultimately in the wrong and instead of just giving an honest genuine apology right when everything happened I reacted like my angry inner 16 year old teenager self. I spewed out a list of expletives and stormed off to my bedroom where I tried to busy myself with other projects until he came around to apologize. Well that of course never happened and he went for a bike ride. After we had calmed down he came back and I (thought) I apologized but things were still kind of weird all night. And the next day, and the day after that. So I kinda tried to apologize over text the following day. And that didn't work and then I was getting super frustrated feeling like it was somehow his fault again for not forgiving me. So then I wrote an email again sort of apologizing... but also justifying all my feelings, reactions thoughts etc. After not hearing a response from him for a few hours I went back and read the email and realized I came across as a total witch. Again, I really thought I was trying to apologize. So finally I wrote another email, not trying to justify myself or to push the blame on him, just genuine sorry-ness. Minutes later I received a text that he forgave me and that we should move on. WHY COULDN'T I JUST HAVE DONE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Why must I hold on to my pride so tightly, why do I feel like I am giving up so much by saying "I am sorry, I messed up", when I know that when my feelings are hurt that is EXACTLY what I want from the other person. A genuine apology. Why do I think it is any easier to half apologize ten times and drag out a dumb argument over days than to simply apologize? I have been thinking a lot about this over the week and then remembered back to an activity we did in marriage counseling where we had to replace our names for the word "Love" as the noun in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7.

"Brandi is patient and kind; Brandi does not envy or boast; she is not arrogant or rude. She does not insist on her own way; she is not irritable or resentful; she does not rejoice at wrongdoing; but rejoices with truth. Brandi bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Ugh I am such a LIAR! I am not these things lol! I do really want to be though. I have found a new motivation to really work on these qualities especially in my marriage. I need to be building up my husband and strengthening our relationship not be a wrecking ball. Good thing every day is a new day and it is never to late to begin improving. I am so grateful for a husband who loves me not as I deserve but tries to love me how God commands and loves us!

On the finance front: We went on a shopping spree today! At Goodwill! I got pants, skirts, shirts and cycling shorts (don't judge) and Mark got several shirts as well. For about $40.00 we feel like we are fancy and have beautiful clothing. Thank you rich people for giving all your sweet, rarely used, name brand clothes away. Also, I left feeling itchy, but that's all part of the fun.

Happy Saturday world! :)

God is so good!

I woke up today kind of cranky because it has been a super busy week. I started back to teaching full time this week and also have had cheerleading practice for two hours every day after school (tonight is the last one this week though!). My body has been so sore for doing things no one my age should be doing any more, and middle schoolers.... you know, sassy. This week I have been trying to wake up earlier so that I can do some reading, praying and preparing for the day. Tuesday I woke up at 5:30, made dinner in the morning and I was so excited at how prepared I was, only to go out to my car and find that my car battery was dead. :/  My family doesn't live nearby and Mark was already across town at work and I had no idea what to do. I started to get the feeling where your face gets all hot and you feel overwhelmed and confused and nervous. I tried calling a few friends but everyone was already at work and couldn't pick up. I started to say a quiet prayer to myself to calm down because I knew crying wouldn't be helpful. The next thing I knew a guy pulled into the spot next to me, a total stranger. I asked him if he knew how to jump a car because my battery was dead and he said "yes". Then he asked me where my cables were, and I asked him if I could borrow his. He ended up jumping my car and I called into work to let them know I would be late. Everything ended up being fine. The only reason I knew the battery was dead was because I went to brunch with a friend a few months ago and her battery died while we were eating. At the time it seemed like such an inconvenience, but now I am SO glad it happened because I was able to troubleshoot the problem with my car. Afterwards I was able to call my mom and spill my guts to her about how stressful life is, and she gave me such a great pep talk that I soon after forgot all about my car.

This morning in my devotional book I read about praying with a "grateful heart". The assignment it gave me was to pray about the 5 things I am most thankful for out loud. Here is my list:

1. My wonderful, patient, loving husband who has so much grace for me that I don't deserve.
2. A healthy, loving family from my grandparents to my nephews.
3. Having a great job(s) that I love going to every day.
4. Motivation for self improvement and to change my heart and attitude.
5. For being blessed with so many amazing friends (and stranger friends) that enrich my life and help get me through everyday.

Wouldn't you know that I am now having a much brighter outlook on my day. I am no longer focusing on feeling exhausted from my jobs, or stressed out about my car. Each of those five blessings are so much bigger than every day problems. Everything that I thought was so irritating and stressful seemed ridiculous when I actually read my list out loud. I thought, this is such an amazing list! How many people get to read out a list like this? Things look so different when put into perspective.

:)